Someday

back again

Mon, 04 Jul 2005 07:09:14 GMT

ok, well i know i haven't been around for a while... and the truth is... well... i'm cheating on livejournal with myspace. and i kinda like it better. this livejournal will stay around, but i think most of my energy will go into myspace. speaking of, my URL is:

http://www.myspace.com/20363539

take a visit, add me as a friend, all that.

senior project!

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 07:41:49 GMT

i know it's been a while since i've updated, but i'll have to get to the life stuff later on. right now i just wanted to plug my senior project :) so come to it!

spenser's senior project:
the last dance
thursday, june 2nd
6:30 in the royal durst theatre @ vsaa

i'm really excited about presenting it... and it would be nice to have some sort of audience :) however, i understand that this is short notice, so if you can, great! if not, don't worry about it.

well... i think this turn of events calls for an update

Tue, 12 Apr 2005 03:41:55 GMT

Get a real job
Keep the wind to your back and the sun on your face
All the immediate unknowns
Are better than knowing this tired and lonely fate
Does he love you?
Does he love you?
Will he hold your tiny face in his hands?

I guess it's spring, I didn't know
It's always seventy-five with no melting snow
And I think he loves you
And when he leaves her
He's going out to California

And he loves you
Yeah he loves you
And the two of you will soon become three
And he loves you
Even though you
Used to say you were flawed if you weren't free

Let's not forget ourselves good friend
You and I were almost dead
And you're better off for leaving
Yeah you're better off for leaving

Late at night
I get the phone
You're at the shop sobbing all alone
Your confession it's coming out
You only married him
You felt your time was running out

But now you love him
And your baby
At last you are complete
But he's distant and you found him
On the phone pleading saying "Baby I love you
And I'll leave her and I'm coming out to California"

Let's not forget ourselves good friend
I am flawed if I'm not free
And you will never leave him
You will never leave him for me

last night: very fun

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 03:06:36 GMT

"whoa, is that a dog?"
"molly, some things are just obvious."

you could be the life of the party

Mon, 28 Feb 2005 06:40:21 GMT

yes, i'm happy with the little oscar event. it's great when films such as million dollar baby win, instead of crappy aviator. yes, it's good. i loved million dollar baby. oh, man.

anyway, great weekend. things went better than anticipated, even though i didn't really care or have any sort of true investment in anything. sometimes i think when i get to be all laid back like that, no pressure what-so-ever, things go smoothly. maybe that'll be my new approack to things? haha no. i'm too obsessive for that.

sometimes kenzi and maeve randomly stop by my house. it's always a happy time. that was fun.

hmm... it seems like everyone is finding out about college and all that. i haven't heard from anywhere yet. i just want to know. this whole waiting business kinda sucks.

so to cap off this exceptionally random entry, my house is so damn hot... milk was a bad choice.

i want that

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 05:25:33 GMT

ok... i do believe it's time for a new york update.

first of all, it was rad--- as rad as it gets. i seriously haven't had that much fun in a while. so does that put it in perspective a bit? i'm not sure how i want to lay out this trip on lj... maybe a highlights list? does that sound about right?

ok, absolute number one moment for sure was movin' out. i had a front row center seat, so that in itself was amazing, but to top it all off, desmond richardson, my freaking idol, was starring in the show! come on... how could that be any better? well, it can... cuz during his bow he recognized me and winked at me... then we talked after the show and he invited me up to his studio whenever i want (jen, i finally understood what he meant, haha). anyway, the show was fantastic... although i couldn't really see anything since i cried through the entire thing. i'd love to be in that show. i want that.

i also saw brooklyn. that was incrdible as well. i really, really loved it, and eden was amazing. her voice is so crazy. haha i flirted with her after the show and i guess we're getting married now. so that's cool. she's pretty hot.

my auditions went really well. i felt really prepared, and, actually, i was surprised that i wasn't more nervous. i guess i was just ready to do it. i'm happy with how i performed and that's all that matters. i figure they may or may not like my skills, but at least they saw that i was having a good time.

so in between all that i spent a lot of time at juilliard and hanging out with jen and danielle. oh! and i got to see bree! that was great :) but jen and i finally got some quality time in... something we'd been missing for a while. well... we didn't really have a choice considering how small her room is. we had no choice but to spend time together, haha. and danielle fit right in with our humor, something that doesn't happen often. so you can imagine the laughing that went on between the three of us.

i had a surprisingly nice valentine's day. i wasn't expecting that one at all. you never know who you'll meet in an airport.

well, i was going to tell my funny subway adventure story, but this became rather long. maybe another time. peace out.

Sat, 05 Feb 2005 14:45:26 GMT

today's the day when things start to change... i can tell.

about time

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 03:10:18 GMT

i'm really excited right now because i finally know what i want to do with my life. we're talking specifics and everything. and i guess i'm just excited because i know it's what i want to do... otherwise i wouldn't be so excited.

last night was amazing.

today was productive and rushed and confusing.

i leave for new york on saturday.

oh yes...

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 05:28:49 GMT

procrastination is like masturbation. it feels good until you realize you've just fucked yourself.

on that note... i guess i better start my research paper.

back home

Tue, 18 Jan 2005 06:21:46 GMT

oh wow.

ARTS week... that was so incredible. i never knew that a week could change your life, but honestly, mine has been changed. my perspective on dance is much healthier. in my short time in miami i realized that dancers are beautifully uncomparable. i've wasted so much time comparing myself to others and even sitting in the audience, ordering dancers by ability. don't get me wrong, there's a place for that, but i've wasted too much time doing it. everyone brings there own individual qualities to movement; choreography never looks the same when set on two different people. so it's unfair to compare them. i'm happy to be thinking this way.

also, i've wasted my time on another thing as well. too often i've danced for the sole purpose of impressing others. i understand now that a person's opinion is not going to change my ability. and besides, talent is relative... there will always be a person who didn't like you when another person does. but the important thing is i realize that neither opinion changes the way i dance. and if i'm satisfied, if i'm happy with it, then i've given everything i can to the audience.

on slightly less deep notes, baryshnikov was pretty cool. he's a shy man, but he made a great remark about how this country will only be ok when we have more artists than soldiers. i thought that was very profound. i was on the news shaking his hand, and he told me i did a great job in the performance, but his opinion doesn't create the dancer i am. haha :) and desmond richardson was there. he remembered me and gave me a hug. he's my idol.

i met so many freakishly talented people, and everyone was so nice and inspiring. seeing so many motivated artists gave me hope for the future. maybe art does have a chance...?

anyway... i can't stress enough how affecting this experience was. i'm a new person--- a better person because of it. thanks for all the support everyone gave me going into this. i'll never forget it.

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 07:23:11 GMT

i'm off to ARTS week in miami. thanks to everyone for your support and encouragement on the whole matter. i'm so freaking excited... i don't really know what to do about the whole thing! but i'm gonna have fun and dance my butt off, that i know for sure.

well, i don't know what else to say. have a great week everybody and i'll be home on sunday. think of me on thursday because that's when the performance is. also... i think we find out about our level award on saturday, so think good thoughts :)

goodnight (a little late... considering i have to get up at 4:45 am. boo...)

yikes... i'm full

Sun, 09 Jan 2005 02:50:57 GMT

well... you have to wonder what the world is coming to when even the most made-for-each-other couple of all time, jennifer aniston and brad pitt, are getting separated. how sad... they would have had amazing children.

ok, i finally got my effing cell phone situation figured out. my new number is (360) 635-2712. it's probably not a great idea that i'm posting that online... but whatever. if it means more people call me then i'm up for it :) haha.

i'm gonna go look for fun now.

a couple bitter remarks, but i'm ok

Tue, 04 Jan 2005 03:48:10 GMT

so i just realized that i'll be in miami at this time next week. crazy...

well, well. back in school. it's like i never left. except for that i couldn't sleep in, was forced to do work, got reminded of stress, and wasn't able to eat crap all day. so i guess things are different. how was everyone else's first day back?

because i forgot to post them... here are my resolutions for 2005:
~give up soda!
~maintain gpa
~this one's kinda personal :)
~spend more time having fun rather than worrying about being a senior

i think that's good enough for now. so far so good!

i expect you to read this since i took the time to do it... yeah that's right

Mon, 03 Jan 2005 07:17:04 GMT

L A Y E R O N E
-- Name: spenser
-- Birthday: october 20th, 1986
-- Birthplace: portland
-- Current Location: van-cooter
-- Eye Color: blue
-- Hair Color: that's debateable... it looks brown, but it's really dark blonde
-- Height: 5'10"
-- Righty Or Lefty: Righty tighty

L A Y E R T W O
-- Your Heritage: african, finish, french canadian, russian
-- The Shoes You Wore Today: my ponys
-- Your Weakness: well, you know... the hair flip
-- Your Fears: failure
-- Your Perfect Pizza: just pepperoni, thanks
-- Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: freaking get into the college i want

L A Y E R T H R E E
-- Your Most Overused Phrase on an instant messenger: how are you?
-- Your Thoughts First Waking Up: my alarm is so effing annoying
-- Your Best Physical Feature: psh... come on
-- Your Bedtime: i'm 18... i'm a big boy so i don't have one
-- Your Most Missed Memory: probably btp

L A Y E R F O U R
-- Pepsi Or Coke: pepsi... duh they have britney spears
-- McDonald's Or Burger King: you're sick
-- Single Or Group Dates: single
-- Lipton Ice tea Or Nestea: puke
-- Chocolate Or Vanilla: chocolate
-- Cappuccino Or Coffee: neither... i'm really not a fan of coffee

L A Y E R F I V E: Do You...
-- Smoke: No
-- Cuss: duh, bitches!
-- Sing: well yes, considering i'm a broadway star
-- Take A Shower Everyday: i have to unless you want to see my fro
-- Do You Think You've Been In Love: Yes, and no
-- Want To Go To College: so bad
-- Liked High School: i effing love high school
-- Want To Get Married: yes, but i don't think i will
-- Believe In Yourself: i can always count on myself
-- Get Motion Sickness: Never
-- Think You're A Health Freak: no... i'd be a big fat man if i wasn't a dancer
-- Get Along With Your Parents: really well, actually
-- Play An Instrument: my body is an instrument

L A Y E R S I X: In The Past Month...
-- Drank Alcohol: no, sir
-- Smoked: boo
-- Done A Drug: no
-- Gone On A Date: i guess... it was kinda weird, huh?
-- Gone To The Mall: yes... but it was one of those trips where you really want to spend money, but you can't find anything worth buying. i'm lucky maeve was there or else i would've wasted my certificates. thanks, maeve. you're my hero.
-- Eaten An Entire Box Of Oreos: no, but my dog did once. she had to get her tummy pumped.
-- Eaten Sushi: no... i'm a little scared
-- Been On Stage: sure enough
-- Been Dumped: dumped, no. come to an absolution, yes.
-- Gone Skinny Dipping: only everyday
-- Stolen Anything: just your heart... haha jkjk

L A Y E R S E V E N: Ever...
-- Been Trashed Or Extremely Intoxicated: no. i don't seem to be able to.
-- Been Called A Tease: i don't know how to do that
-- Gotten Beaten Up: one time regina george punched me in the face... it was awesome

L A Y E R E I G H T:
-- How Do You Want To Die: naturally
-- What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up: on broadway, a choreographer, in movies, a teacher
-- What Country Would You Most Like To Visit: greece!

L A Y E R N I N E:In a girl/guy
-- Best Eye Color: blue or green
-- Best Hair Color: any, actually
-- Short Or Long Hair: i usually go for long... but short can do it for me these days too
-- Height: that doesn't matter
-- Best Weight: stupid question
-- Best article of clothing: what? i dunno... skirts?
-- Most attractive physical feature: lips, then eyes... top it off with hair
-- Most attractive non-physical feature: personality and sense of freaking humor... so important

L A Y E R T E N
-- Number Of Drugs Taken: nothing illegal
-- Number Of People I Could Trust With My Life: i'm lucky to have quite a few
-- Number Of CDs That I Own: 120?... just a guesstimation
-- Number Of Piercings: well...
-- Number Of Tattoos: none
-- Number Of Scars: how bout 5
-- Number Of Things In My Past that I Regret: regret is pointless
-- Number Of Crushes: just one... one special one :)

Sat, 01 Jan 2005 10:15:53 GMT

Happy New Year :( Or not...

see spanglish

Wed, 29 Dec 2004 07:35:28 GMT

"they should name a gender after you. looking at you isn't enough. the only way to see you is to stare. and i can't stop staring."

i feel like an idiot. i hurt someone based on things you said that i thought were true... and that someone is not the type to forgive, so that sucks. i shouldn't have ever done that, i shouldn't have listened. i just want to know how much of what you've said has been a lie. i feel cheated. and seeing you there was so humiliating. congratulations--- you've belittled me! i hope you had fun playing the game... but i'm done now. fuck that.

god, i'm so stupid.

on a completely different note: jen, thank you for an awesome time tonight. our dates are always the best :)

confliction... wait--- is that a word?

Tue, 28 Dec 2004 04:22:10 GMT

hurrah. i only have one more college app and then i'm done. and i got my travel schedule today for ARTS. p.s. i'm effing scared about that.

ok. i saw the preview for my new favorite show on tv. it's called who's your daddy? and it's a reality show about this woman who has never met her father. there are eight men on the show and she has to get to know them and eliminate them week by week, according to who she thinks her daddy is. wow, i can't wait. i'm really glad broadcasting companies expend their energy on stuff like that, instead of important things. hey, what am i saying? i'll probably end up watching it.

i saw you downtown and i haven't been able to stop thinking about you since. huh... weird.

december is love

Sun, 26 Dec 2004 07:56:12 GMT

happy christmakwanzakah!

did everyone have a good one? i hope so. mine was fairly rad if i don't say so myself. aside from all the material gain, this year's family togetherness was great. i swear, no one makes me laugh like my family... and there was a lot of laughing happening. sometimes i just sit back and take in the people around me, thinking, "wow... these amazing people are my family." i feel really lucky to think that way... i know so many people stuggle with their relatives.

hey, i got into college! pretty rad. the college is california institute of the arts, which is an awesome school and would be quite sweet to attend. however, i have yet to send in my application, so the packet i got included an app and a letter that said, "good job! you've been admitted, but would you please fill out this app and send it in? thanks." funny. at least i have everything i need to send it in... i jsut to fill out the forms. anyway, point being (yes, there's a point), it feels great to have an option. it kind of takes some pressure off.

is anyone else a little pissy about having 1.5 weeks for winter break this year, instead of the usual 2?

ok, tomorrow will consist of working out with my momma, calling eowyn, finding nneverland, and possibly the studio? yes, possibly. i need to get my butt in gear if i'm gonna tackle this ARTS business.

p.s. i went and saw the lion king musical with chris and his family on thursday! it was effing amazing! the singing was remarkable. just thought i'd say that. i can't wait to do something like that one day.

why do we like doing this stuff to ourselves...?

Sun, 19 Dec 2004 23:46:41 GMT

Post anything that you want (in the comments), BUT post it ANONYMOUSLY. It can be anything. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love -- anything. Be sure to post Anonymously and Honestly. Post twice or 40 times if you'd like.

Then, put this in your LJ to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don't even realize read your LJ) have to say. But please post.

just right

Sun, 19 Dec 2004 11:02:33 GMT

i had a nice evening tonight. actually... it was a nice day in general. i woke up and went christmas tree shopping with my family. family time is always the best... no one makes me laugh like them. so after decorating and everything i went to the studio to work on my second solo for ARTS. i was getting really frustrated with it, but now i like it. we'll see how it develops. following that, kenzi and jen stopped by my house! i haven't seen jen in forever and we three had so much fun just laughing and being crazy. we watched ace ventura, invented a new peanut m&m game, and just caught up on old times. anyway... it was nice. lastly, i went to julie's for a post-sadies get-together. i got to see everyone and relax everything... good stuff. i really had a good time over there.

so... christmas is coming. i have a lot to look forward to this break--- and a lot to be thankful for as well. i can't remember if it's like this every december, but i feel happy and content. maybe it's just the season. oh well, it doesn't matter... it's not a bad thing if this is a seasonal feeling. right... moving on.

i've decided that i don't need to stress over college and next year. whatever is supposed to happen will happen. i truly feel confident that i'll end up where i need to be. so at the moment, it makes no sense to stress over stuff like that. i'm letting it go... that's the best thing to do. however, i'm still gonna give 'em hell in my auditions... that's still allowed.

i'm really excited about sleeping in.

it's nothing but a bad habit

Wed, 15 Dec 2004 07:34:03 GMT

yeah, pretty sure it's 11:30 the night before my core research paper is due. the question is, have i started it? the answer is no, of course. i've been doing much more important things like watching sex and the city, eating ice cream, folding laundry, and making quesadillas. obviously that stuff is more important. but i don't mind staying up late for school's sake... considering that nutcracker is effing over.

i realized that i never posted my exciting news! the news is that i'm an ARTS finalist! so i'll be going to miami in a month, competing for $10,000 and meeting mikhail baryshnikov. yeah... i'm pretty excited :) man...

so jan flat out said it today. she's disappointed in me because i'm going to college and she asked me what she was supposed to tell all the directors in the region. and i said ef you. jk... i actually don't really care what she has to say to me about my future. i mean, i do value her opinion, but not when it's demeaning.

well... i'm happy for all my friends that are in love. it's an exciting thing, for sure. go get it. just don't forget your lonely friends out in singlesville, ok? yeah, you know who you are.

an ending

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 04:44:19 GMT

ok... so nutcracker is over... and i'm not sure how i feel about the whole matter. it was a great run and i'm really happy with how it went, but it was my last nutcracker--- ever. i feel like a chapter of my life is ending. i dunno. it's senior year and there's going to be a lot of endings this year; nutcracker was just the start of them. i'm happy that so many people got to see it though... a lot of friends and family that hadn't seen me dance for a long time. so that was nice. thanks to everyone for coming!

it's effing cold

Fri, 03 Dec 2004 01:20:39 GMT

ok... i'm trying really hard not to let my journal spiral back into the "dark" phase it once was in. but it's really hard right now considering everything that's happening. i know that in reality it's just stress, but i hate letting myself get consumed by it, ya know? i feel like i'm weak for letting that happen. i want to be able to focus on the good and let all that crap roll off my shoulders... but i'm definitely struggling. i need to laugh. hopefully this weekend i'll be able to laugh.

whenever i say anything bad about someone or something my mom always says, "now say two nice things about it." it usually pisses me off... but i'm going to try it anyway.

here's two good things about the day:

1) chris and i had a really good time in vocal. we were just recalling old times and laughing. it was a moment when i didn't care about all the stress. so that's good.

2) i got to spend a little more time with my mom today than we normally get. mom's are good.

rad

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 05:31:12 GMT


mean girls are love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

the only thing i need is a fast-forward button... and my bed

Wed, 01 Dec 2004 05:36:33 GMT

ef!!

i'm not in my usual peppy spirit right now. i'm totally stressing out. now, i'm not one to stress out, so of course it's making my anxiety worse because i'm stressing over stressing. lame! it's just that nutcracker is definitely not ready... my variation hasn't glued together and i seem to be pissing my partner's off all the time. i feel this giant pressure to live up to an expectation this year--- my senior year--- and i hate feeling inadequate. have i improved enough since last year? will i maintain a standard? that's the kind of crap in my head right now. and of course all the homework in the world is due at this very instant and i'm just really not handling it all very well.

you know when you look back at something you did just the other day and you realize what an idiot you are? yeah... me too.

anyway... i'll try to take some breaths... get this whole thing under control. i just need a good "one step at a time" talk. but right now i'm going to go to bed and dream about the same random thing as last night, hopefully. though it was random, i can't say it was bad. at least, not bad in the sense of chris's dream. haha. goodbye.